BlackEye

Karagoz

One day my stepfather came home with a beautiful little lamb. My mother was pregnant. I was 8. It was almost dark outside. I was puzzled. Did he bring him just for me to pet? He loved me that much, I knew. But it didn’t make much sense. I’d rather pet it in day light on green grass, where she belonged. She didn’t need to be parted from her family.

She was the cutest little lamp I’ve ever seen but I wasn’t happy seeing her. It’s funny though, because for a long time whenever I remembered Karagoz, my first sentence had always been “I was so happy to see Karagoz dragging along my stepfather” but that’s not true. I was not. I was full of questions. The time of day, the way my stepfather looked… It was ominous. A lamb wasn’t the kind of pet I would choose for myself if anybody had asked my opinion. But nobody had. I went out and petted her, more out of a sense of duty. There was a beautiful fluffy lamb in front of the house. It would be wrong not to pet it.

“This is your pet and you’ll look after her!” My mother ordered me angrily, implying I had insisted on having a pet-lamb for ages. I nodded in surrendering silence.

I didn’t think we had room for this little lamb. We had a tiny house and we didn’t seem to have any money those days. My mother got married to my stepfather because I loved him, I was told. I was the one who chose him. I was the one who told my mother to leave my father. They kept telling me. I did love my stepfather, though and he loved me back. He was the only father I had. But we were so poor now. Also, my mother was making another child.

I was constantly reminded that I begged my mother for a sibling. I didn’t, at least, not until I was told to. It was only a few months ago, my aunt came to visit us. She wasn’t happy to come at all. I could tell. She worked very hard to make me say that I wanted a sibling in a convincing manner. I was failing my part because I didn’t really want any such thing. “Go tell your mom you wanted a sibling a lot!” My mother and my aunt were whispering at a distance and my aunt was coming back to me to make me say it “once more with feeling” again and again and again. Shouting in my ear: -Do you or do you not want a sibling?

-I do not.

-Your mother will be extremely sad! -Why?

-She’s making a sibling for you, that’s why.

-Why do I have to say anything if it’s already happening?

-Siblings are great. Go and act better! I don’t have all day.

My dear aunty always came when needed, to make me do or say things I wouldn’t left to my own devices.

Then she decided to be honest with me. As she sometimes did.

“She wants to know that you won’t be jealous and you’d help her. She’ll need help. Wouldn’t you help her looking after your sibling? Wouldn’t you be willing to take care of a real baby?”

That was a different question altogether and I said yes. And, I did with huge success. “Then go and tell her that you want a sibling.”

I was left alone, eventually but I wasn’t sure how convincing I was because after that day, my mother took it on and started telling the story herself. She was passionate to tell everyone how much I pressured her to reproduce for my sake. Every time she told the story she was adding a bit more, embellishing it with living and breathing details. I turned into nothing but a sibling-wanting-object, a little organism who is incapable of anything else.

That was the shape of things when Karagoz came to my life. My mother immediately shouted at me that I insisted on having this pet and that it would be my duty to look after her, which involved taking her to a grass field every day and cleaning the lovely little brown marbles that spill from underneath her soft cotton tail. For months and months, I took care of this lamb. She was the first creature I bonded beyond imagination. We belonged each other. I couldn’t think of much else. When I go to school, I missed her. I woke up thinking about her. She was the best of pets: Soft and huge.

Then we all went to a hospital and my brother came out. He was wrinkly. Not surprising for someone who has been in water for many months but I was not impressed. I didn’t say much. I guessed that he would change. I couldn’t wait for him to meet Karagoz. The softest and cutest of all pets.

A few weeks later all my cousins and aunts came for a celebration. My cousins took me for a walk. I was so happy. They never wanted me to join them before. Because I’m the youngest of them all. They saw me as a burden. But that day, I became a big sister and worthy of their attention. I was no more unwanted, no more the burden! I started to love this business. I was the happiest of big sisters. Little did I know.

When we came home from that walk, I found pieces of Karagoz on the tray. I immediately knew this was her. Nobody needed to tell me. And nobody ever did. They didn’t have the decency. She got sacrificed for my brother’s safe arrival. For a brother nobody asked for or needed, my dear pet was gone. To add insult to injury they lied to me by saying that Karagoz went back to the village to her mother. As I cried, I was told that I was jealous of my brother, that I should be ashamed. I was… of them.

Serazer Pekerman, 2022